The Secret diarys of Jack Sparrow and others
by obscured-enigma
Summary: Top secret! The events of POTC as told by Jack Sparrow in his secret diary. A parody very funny . More secret diaries will come from different characters. Please R&R. Will's diary now up.
1. The secret diary of Jack Sparrow

**DISCLAIMER: **Now, before you even start to read this, you should understand that this fanfiction contains ideas and situations which aren't expressed in the actual movie. I know there will be some people out there who won't agree with me on them and will want to say so, and I warn you now, all reviews that are merely for the purpose of flaming will be removed as I will not tolerate them. This was written for a laugh and I hope that you too will enjoy it.

On a final note, all characters mentioned in this fanfiction are property of Disney and I'm just borrowing them.

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**The secret diary of Jack Sparrow**

**(v. private (hehe, that looks like pirate, I'm a pirate), no peeking)**

Seriously, no peeking. Or else I will use you to get a ship back or curse you with Aztec gold. Or I could just eat all your apples.

**Day 1**

V. angry. Horrible crew committed mutiny and marooned me on nasty little island, no rum _or _treasure. Am developing pout. Barbossa tricked me into giving up the bearings for the overly savvy cursed treasure, though was most obviously drunk at time. Must find way off island.

_Rum count:_ 0 (need rope, am thinking of hanging self)

_Kohl status:_ All runny from being thrown off ship, don't feel very sexy.

**Day 2**

Getting slightly hungry, and disoriented from lack of rum. Bird attacked me, but I couldn't work out how to fire pistol. Hungry. Tried drinking seawater, remembered why I never had before. Slept.

_Rum count:_ 0 (no rope, nowhere near hairy enough to make my own)

_Kohl status:_ I think I left it on the ship…

**Day 3**

Ship appeared today. Turns out rum has been on island all this time, feel v. stupid but also v. happy. Said would perform Midsummer Night's Dream all on my own if rum runners would take me off island. Can't remember the fifth act, this could go v. bad.

_Rum count: _27 (swagger has returned)

_Kohl status:_ None at all, would like to think I still look sexy anyway.

**Day 4**

Don't remember last night. Think I made a mean Bottom though. On a ship again, all is good. Now all I have to do is get that ship of mine back. Am thinking of lying about how I got off island, something to do with hair would be good.

_Rum count:_ 16

_Kohl status:_ Has been reapplied, but it's actually eyeliner, need to find real kohl soon.

**Day 402**

Arrived in Port Royal (silly name). Hoping Anamaria didn't notice her missing boat, got distracted as two seagulls got it on, so boat sunk. Stole guys money when he thought I was being nice. I love me! Found nifty boat, but two obviously in love guards pointed guns at me, felt v. hurt. Ridiculously sexy girl fell in water, dived in to take off all her clothes, as you do. Poncy man called Norrington didn't think it was a good idea (am certain he is a eunuch, either that or he has large object up rear end). Told a man named after a shaver to clap me in irons, found it quite funny. Wanted to finish off job with undressing girl so tried to take her with me, people thought I was trying to kill her, as if! Decided to play on nifty swingy things, but Norrington thought that was a bad idea too, and made guards start shooting at me. Ran away. Poked donkey with red-hot poker, always wanted to do that. Little boy started attacking me with sword, when all I wanted was to find nearest bottle of rum. Am certain little boy is a eunuch. Knocked unconscious by a bottle of alcohol (not the first time), woke up in prison cell, not a very spiffy day.

_Rum count: _only 4

_Kohl status:_ Slightly runny, but still v. sexy.

**Day 402/403**

Rudely awoken at unearthly hours by Barbossa's thumping. Think he made a point of not rescuing me. But heehee, he and the mutinous crew are cursed, felt rather happy.

_Rum count:_ Remains of the daily intake wearing off…

_Kohl status:_ Smudged a bit, but still sexy!

**Day 403**

Little boy visited me today. Turns out he ain't gay, was v. surprised. Also the son of old pirate friend, Will Turner; same name and all. Think people are lacking in the creativity of names these days, mine is much more unusual. Turns out he fancies sexy girl (decided not to tell him I undressed her), and she's been kidnapped. Wasn't going to go with him even when he said he could free me, but he is my old mate's son. Damn pity for relations of friends. Used upturned dingy boat to get to nice big ship, am more than sure Will was checking my arse out. He also made a fool of himself when we commandeered the nice big ship. Now wish didn't feel pity. Got faster nifty ship, _the Interceptor,_ which was the one I failed to steal last time. Jack Sparrow doesn't fail at things, must make up a new story. Got back for pity when made Will do all the work, but nearly sailed into a cliff. Will asked why I wore eyeliner, got v. annoyed so hit him with the boom. Normally people don't hang on when I do that. The little boy may be an annoying eunuch, but he's kinda feisty.

_Rum count: _14

_Kohl status: _Makes me look sexy and is NOT eyeliner.

**Day 407**

Arrived in Tortuga; niftiest, savviest, place ever. Found Gibbs sleeping with pigs, asked how his wife was and found out he was still angry about the time I got him married to a pig when we were drunk, turns out you can't divorce a pig. Kicked Will for laughing when he found out it was a boar. Quite liked kicking him, might do so again. Nearly killed Gibbs by making him choke to death when said the maid he'd flirted with was actually a eunuch. He didn't like the fact that I was going after Barbossa either, but said he'd get me a crew anyway.

_Rum count: _34 (Shllighty dwunk)

_Kohl status:_ Thick 'n' shexy.

**Day 408**

Very un-savvy hangover. Will tried to give me a cure but smelt rather suspicious, a bit like the pigs Gibbs sleeps with. Don't think the eunuch likes me. Makes me v. upset. Found an almost equally suspicious banana on way to dock, tried to give it to Will to make up for his loss but it made him hate me more. Now hold onto suspicious banana as might find use for it later. Turns out Anamaria was angry about me stealing her boat, her slap brought back treasured memories but hurt a lot. Think it made us both look very sexy. Got new crew, the little mate is the niftiest, quite want to cuddle him. Storm appeared later on, I get great thrills from storms (but I don't tell anyone). Lied to Gibbs, saying we were catching up, fat chance!

_Rum count:_ only 7, get enough of a high from storms.

_Kohl status:_ Streaming down my face due to storm, not v. sexy. But wet!

**Day 409**

At Isle de Muerta. So funky at steering that I got a chance to reapply my kohl with my compass that secretly doubles as a mirror. In little dingy boat with Will, thought it was quite cosy. But then he goes and asks if I'm gay, so I push him out of boat. Realize that he probably asked because he fancies me, now feel v. stupid. Was fun pushing him in water though, just when he was gawping at the gold and everything. Go me! Turns out he looks quite nice wet. Found the sexy girl, discovered that with more layers, she isn't all that sexy. Had my plan all worked out so I would get my beautiful ship back, but then Will hit me over head with oar. Woke up and the blasted eunuch had taken the not-so sexy girl away. Barbossa made a big point of kidnapping me, but he wasn't really. On a side note, Barbossa looks just as ugly and single as he was 10 years ago and not cursed. Got my own back at him when I ate one of his apples. He threw me in the brig where my precious baby has leaked, I gave her a hug as best I could but discovered arms weren't quite big enough. As if it weren't bad enough that Will hit me over the head and ruined my plan, he then started blowing my ship apart. Managed to escape brig though and decided to kick Will for what he had done, but he hid from me. Then Barbossa's monkey stole the Aztec gold which was my last plan to get the _Black Pearl_ back, so I chased him but ended up in rather compromising posture on pole in front of Barbossa who gave me a rather perverted grin. Couldn't help but remember the time I thought the mast was a sexy woman, I think Barbossa enjoyed that a bit too much and was reminded of it too. Crew on _the Interceptor_ got kidnapped along with me and not-so sexy girl. Stupid Will got blown to smithereens, or so I hoped…thought. Turns out he survived, but then forgot to ask Barbossa for me to have my ship back, stupid eunuch. We went to that v. un-savvy spit of land for me and the not-so sexy girl to walk the plank, not before Barbossa gave me a little cuddle. Whatever I'm wearing, I'm getting rid of it. Turns out the not-so sexy girl has a name. Elizabeth; who is back to nothing but her under-garments, I believe I can change this. Find rum store and discover Elizabeth doesn't like me. This isn't fair, the only person who I've gotten a cuddle from recently is Barbossa and that was disturbing. Got half a cuddle sort of thing later; that was nice. Have a strong feeling that today was extremely long.

_Rum count:_ 21

_Kohl status:_ slightly disappearing

**Day 410**

The strumpet! The eunuch loving strumpet! The rum! It's gone! She burnt all the rum, it's sacrilege! Forced myself not to kill her, and gave the rum a proper funeral. Then the navy come along proving her right, I don't like her anymore. One more chance to get my ship back. Think Norrington thinks I'm gay as well, but he is clear homophobe. Am rid of the Rum-burner for now. Go to cave and make deal with Barbossa, quite sure he fancies me now. Is very disturbing, will have to kill him later. Will thinks I betrayed him, seriously not getting a hug from anyone now…as long as I can avoid Barbossa. Gave Will sword to prove I still like him, then he goes and thrusts it in the icky undead pirates. Barbossa came onto me, so had to defend myself with sword. Then he got angry and stabbed me, but I was clever and had picked up some of the nifty Aztec gold so I could be immortal. Go me! Rum-burner turned up and saved Will who then broke the curse and I quickly shoot Barbossa. He dies. Will forced me to rid myself of the curse, think he might actually care for me. Have discovered my crew have stolen the _Black Pearl_ and I'm going to be hanged. And I haven't even got a real hug! Thought I was very near to getting one from Will.

_Rum count:_ 0 (can't even drown my sorrows)

_Kohl status:_ sexy, but suddenly doesn't feel so important

**Day 417**

The day that I'm scheduled to be hung. Stupid sentence person didn't even call me 'Captain' Jack Sparrow, made me v. upset. V. nearly hung, but Will threw sword for me to stand on. He obviously thought it was much easier than it was, either that or there's an actual advantage to being a eunuch. Got cut down and then me and Will did a very savvy escape attempt, but were stopped by guards and the feather in Will's hat began to attack me. Will declared his undying love for me in a cryptic way, saying some rubbish about me being a good man, and so did Elizabeth. I really thought they were going to hug me, was v. disappointed when they didn't. Said my goodbyes but didn't hug anyone because I'm the one who gets the hugs, not the other way round. Then fell over the cliff backwards into the sea, you couldn't believe how relieved I was when the _Black Pearl_ appeared. Apparently I was meant to notice Cotton's stupid little parrot. Am now the Captain of the _Black Pearl_ again, all is good. Even got a half-hug from Anamaria, was v. special. Might get a real one later if I'm good. So coming back to get hugs from Will and Elizabeth, but first must do what I do best.

_Rum count:_ 15

_Kohl status:_ perfectly sexy…can't understand why I didn't get any hugs.

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More secret diaries are coming, I'm working on Will's right now, so don't forget to come back and take a little look again. 


	2. The secret diary of Will Turner

**DISCLAIMER:** Now, before you even start to read this, you should understand that this fanfiction contains ideas and situations which aren't expressed in the actual movie. I know there will be some people out there who won't agree with me on them and will want to say so, and I warn you now, all reviews that are merely for the purpose of flaming will be removed as I will not tolerate them. This was written for a laugh and I hope that you too will enjoy it.

On a final note, all characters mentioned in this fanfiction are property of Disney and I'm just borrowing them.

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**The secret diary of Will Turner – Please don't read**

**Day 1**

Took spiffy sword I made to Governor Swann for Norrington, was v. miffed when he thought my drunken guardian made it. As if! Elizabeth appeared and said she'd had a dream about me last night. I had one about her, but you don't catch me going on about it, probably because she didn't have to change her bed sheets this morning. Did make me feel rather special that she did, but then it turned out it was about the day we met, which was just boring. Elizabeth still v. sexy. After dropping off sword, purchased some dodgy parchments for my guardian and headed back to blacksmiths. Found pirate there, decided to practice some sword skills on him, so made something up about him threatening Elizabeth, it's always how my dreams go. Pirate v. curious as he wore eye-liner and walked like a drunken poof. Then he called me a eunuch which got me v. angry. If I was a eunuch, then would I have to take my sheets to the laundry ladies so often? Horrible pirate cheated and covered me with chocolate powder, was v. certain he was going to lick it off me before drunken idiot guardian hit him over the head with a bottle. Miffed for the second time that day. I'm still a virgin for God's sake!

_Marital update:_ Still hopelessly single and virgin.

_Swords made:_ 7

**Day 1/2**

Was getting all sweaty and sexy making new sword; when for no reason decided to look out the window and became sure something bad was going to happen. Cannons went off and pirates started attacking. Decided to be heroic and kill them all. Didn't do too bad, but got distracted by Elizabeth running by in nothing but her night clothes. Was v. sexy. Got hit over head, felt v. stupid.

_Marital update:_ As before, but all the more pathetic.

_Swords made:_ 7 ½

**Day 2**

Woke up with hens all over me, unfortunately I don't mean women. Was the closest I have been to sexual relationships, but decided it wasn't a very good way to lose my virginity. Tried to redeem myself by being heroic and ordering Norrinton to find her. Whilst waving my arms around, I accidentally threw my axe on the table. Felt v. stupid. Was quite funny when Norrington couldn't get it out again, though. A guard mentioned Jack Sparrow, the chocolate powder pirate from yesterday, so I decided to go pay him a visit. Was working way up to getting Jack to lick chocolate powder off me, so asked about the _Black Pearl_. Saw his many gold teeth and reconsidered. Really should stop with many fantasies as most are v. icky. Decided he could help me get Elizabeth back because without me saving her life, I'm doomed to remain virgin forever. Tried to be clever by talking about double barrel hinges but he gave me the same look as when he asked me if I was a eunuch. Think he helped me because he liked my name, could be wrong. Used upturned boat to get to the _Dauntless, _still don't understand how that works. Got foot stuck in stupid lobster cage, on plus side, noticed Jack has v. nice bottom. Tried my hand at being all piratey but everyone laughed at me, stole the _Interceptor_ from them which stopped their laughing. (Actually Jack pointing his pistol at Gillette did, but I like to think I did something special to). When on _Interceptor_, Jack made me do many annoying little tasks. When it came to licking the deck clean and eating all the flour to see if there were any weevils in it, I realized he was probably doing it on purpose. Was too full of flour to do anything about it, but still managed to ask the question I'd been meaning to ask Jack ever since I met him. Only he took it very badly and hit me with the boom of the ship. I mean I was only curious as to why he wore eyeliner. Think I'll have to wait a while before I ask if he's gay. Turns out my daddy was a pirate, realized I should have figured when he gave me the piece of gold with a skull on it. Still miffed.

_Marital Status:_ Single, but considering Jack if I can't get Elizabeth

_Swords made:_ 2 ½

**Day 6**

Arrived in Tortuga; ickiest, pirateiest, debauchery of a poop-hole ever. Jack took me to fat man who sleeps with pigs. Laughed when found out he was married to a boar, but got kicked by Jack. Don't think he likes me. All I want is to lose my virginity. Went to v. icky pub, Jack told me to keep a sharp eye, but made a sharp toothpick instead. Ugly drunk woman collapsed on me, nearly cried when realized it was the most interaction I've had with women my entire life.

_Marital status:_ I just don't want to talk about it right now, ok?

_Swords made:_ Extra pointy toothpick.

**Day 7**

Jack was complaining of hangover so went to where Gibbs had been sleeping and picked up load of stinky muck, tried to tell him it was a cure but he didn't believe me. It was a shame because I really wanted to get him back after discovering a weevil leg caught between my teeth. Then he tried to give me a banana, but I think bananas are icky so said no. Got v. confused when he said it wasn't for eating. Might hide in his wardrobe later and find out what he meant by it. Picked up crazy crew with midget man, talking parrot, and slapping woman included. Thought Jack was having me on again. There was a storm later and got soaked through. So did Jack and noticed how nice he looks with clothes clinging and going see-through, also noticed he had put the banana from earlier in his trouser pocket. Got slight fantasy but decided the chocolate powder one was better.

_Marital status:_ Seriously thinking of forgetting about Elizabeth, have determined Jack is much sexier.

_Swords made:_ Snapped the toothpick.

**Day 8**

Discovered purpose for banana at early hours in morning after long stake out (Jack had been in the storm for v. long time), was v. horrified. Elizabeth wouldn't do something like that, think I might prefer her. Reached Isle de Muerta where Gibbs told me about the mutiny against Jack but don't believe he used human hair for rope, I looked carefully in the storm and there was no hair. Went to shore in dingy with Jack, was quite cosy. Thought seeing as Elizabeth could be dead, I should try and get over the banana fiasco. Asked Jack if he was gay, but he threw me off the dingy. Think that might have been a no. Found Elizabeth but realized Jack just wanted his ship back, and then he would leave me forever. Deductively hit him over head with oar and saved Elizabeth. She is still v. sexy. Forgot about Jack and when Gibbs asked about him I made some rubbish up about him falling behind. Felt a bit mean though. Shared sexy moment with Elizabeth below deck, v. nearly kissed her when she started making me stroke her breast. Didn't complain. Then she gave me pirate gold daddy gave me, she obviously didn't realize I didn't care about the damn tacky jewellery and preferred to go lower. Got annoyed and slammed gold on table, she ran away before I could slam her on the table too. Why me!? Were caught up by _Black Pearl,_ deciding I wanted some excitement, I said we should attack them. Realized that was v. bad idea. Big battle thingy. Elizabeth flashed at me though, that was good. Then saw Jack on other ship and decided to hide in case he came to get me for hitting him. Next thing I know the place is flooding and I can't get out. Held breath for impossible amount of time and made impossible escape. Hopped onto _Black Pearl_ and demanded Elizabeth's release among other things that Jack helped me with. Think it went well. But then they decided to maroon Jack and Elizabeth which made me v. angry as I knew Jack would try to get it on with Elizabeth. Am now in brig. Not v. nice down here, no one to fantasize about.

_Marital status:_ Doomed as Jack and Elizabeth so obviously going to get it on.

_Swords made:_ None

**Day 9**

Taken back to Isle de Muerta. Lost count of how many pirates touched me in unwanted areas. Especially Barbossa. Nearly killed before Jack appears to save me. Was bitter about fact that he spent night with Elizabeth. He did give me a nice sword though, and it was v. fun driving it through undead pirates. Can't remember why but was in danger, then saved by Elizabeth. Didn't really care about the whole Jack thing just then. Turns out Jack was cheating on me and turned undead too. However in retrospect, it was only so he could kill Barbossa. After having fun blowing up pirates, decided it was time to lift the curse. Jack did this whole sexy shooting Barbossa thing. I did a sexy dropping the tacky gold into the tacky treasure chest thing. Discovered Elizabeth is to marry Norrington. I barfed when no one was looking. Thought I was doomed to be with Jack, but turns out Norrington is taking him away from me too. Evil git.

_Marital status:_ Bloody gone

_Swords made:_ Curtain rail made good undead pirate skewer.

**Day 16**

Norrington so not stealing _both_ Elizabeth and Jack from me. Put best hat and cloak on. Fluffed up feather, got sword. Announced my undying love for Elizabeth in front of Norrington. Looked like he was going to blow so quickly made way through morbid crowds to escape him. Saw Jack and thought would be best if I killed him and not Norrington. Missed terribly. Decided to save him after all so fought executioner but tripped off platform, thankfully looked like a spiffy flip. Nearly escaped with Jack but got caught by many guards. Tried to get out of it by making some rubbish up about Jack being a good man, Elizabeth agreed. Am now certain something happened when the two of them were marooned. Jack made a spiffy escape on the _Black Pearl_, thought it made him look v. sexy. Also… HE LIKED MY HAT!!! Finally got to snog Elizabeth and amazingly turns out she loves me too, what luck! Norrington went off to sulk. Rather upset that Jack's gone, he was nifty. Hope he comes back one day…

_Marital status:_ IN THERE!!

_Swords made:_ 6, plus found new use for a noose. (hehe, that rhymes)

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Isn't it amazing, I did an update the very day after my first installment. Well there's a simple answer to this puzzling phenonemon, it's half term, which means I have nothing better to do with my time. Unfortunately it's near the end of half term and I have to start doing my revision for a nice test when I get back to school :,( So I will have to fit the diaries in around tests and revision and all that horrific teenager stuff. I can tell you the next diary will be Elizabeth's so stay tuned for that.

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Also though, I would like to thank all the people who have sent me such wonderful reviews. I have only been posting on recently, but you're comments are really great. Thanks!


	3. The secret diary of Elizabeth Swann

DISCLAIMER: As said in the previous diaries, this fanfiction contains ideas and situations not expressed in the film, which not everyone will agree with. So I'm warning you now, and flamers will be deleted and will not be tolerated. And yes, none of these characters belong to me and they are copyrighted to Disney.

That said, enjoy the next installment of the Secret Diaries

**

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The secret diary of Elizabeth Swann - as conveniently hidden in the secret compartment of her top drawer.**** If found, go to top drawer and lift up false bottom, please return and leave various secret items there (I count the suspicious photographs).**

**Day 1**

Had super dream about sexy Will last night. It was v. kinky and I think too naughty to even write down. But then something went on about that pirate gold I nicked from him, what was _that_ about? Daddy gave me a cool new dress, the corset wouldn't fit though. Obviously a child's version as no grown woman size is too small for me. Went to Norrington's ceremony because daddy made me. Began to feel ill and out of breath, think I ate too much off the seafood platter. After Norrington pranced around with his new sword playing 'Wiggy Brits and Pirates', he asked to talk to me. Wanted to run in other direction but damn dress made it impossible. Calculated odds of jumping off cliff, looked good. Leant over too far and fell. What are the chances? V. hard to swim in dress and began to drown. Woke up again in just my undergarments with strange man on top of me, looked a bit like a wet stray dog. Cute but scraggly. Norrington then came along with the whole protective boyfriend act, hid in shame. Stray dog man is Captain Jack Sparrow! Heard cool stories about him. He escaped Norrington which is a bad idea, Norrington won't let him go now.

_Hair status: _Poofy and super.

_Imperfections: _Had a load of freckles in my dream, can't quite figure that out….

**Day 1/2**

Jack Sparrow got caught, that's not so cool. Worst is Norrington will invite me to the hanging and show off about it. Port Royal got blown to bits by ship called the _Black Pearl_, can't say I mind. Pirates came to mansion, bloody servant practically beckoned them in with milk and cookies. Decided to kill them with sword but tacky LOTR sword crest from ebay was stuck together with superglue. Invoked the right of parlé even though I'm not a pirate, silly idiots believed me. Pirates want gold I nicked from Will. It's mine! Miiiiiiiiiiine!... So I gave it to them anyways, who cares? When asked my name, decided to play out fantasy of being Will's wife, turns out that's going to get me into some deep poo. Stuck on pirate ship going to hell knows where. Kind of forgot to ask to be taken back ashore. Whoops.

_Hair status:_ Flat, greasy, uh, where is my frizz-ease?

_Imperfections: _My hair! My skin! I'm so unclean!

**Day 2**

Spent the day playing card games with a deck of cards I found, they had pictures of naked ladies on, and the box had 'property of _Captain_ Jack Sparrow' written on it. Stumbled across some sort of shrine in Captain Barbossa's bedroom, pictures of Jack everywhere, old shirts too. Am now horrified. Ate with him later, was given a dress from his own wardrobe. _Really_ didn't want to wear it but didn't have much choice. Been trying to watch my diet recently but Barbossa goes ahead and force-feeds me with tons of unhealthy food. My carbs diet is ruined! Retaliated by shoving knife in his chest. Goddamit he can't even die! … On side note, all the pirates are cursed by pirate gold, and are going to kill me.

_Hair status: _Gave up hope when the monkey did its business in it.

_Imperfections:_ Would you believe they don't even have a bath tub on this dreadful ship? I'm doomed!

**Day 8**

At Isla de Muerta. Place of tacky gold and ultra-not-so-spiffy-cursed-treasure. Was so sure I was going to die, but Barbossa must be well and truly evil because instead of killing me he scarred my beautiful skin. On plus side, Norrington could be put off. Barbossa hit me when my blood didn't lift the curse. Awoke to find a v. sexy, v. wet Will on top me. Now _there's_ something nice to wake up to. Escaped with sexy Will on dinghy boat, rather cosy. Arrived on _Interceptor_ only to find more pirates, was furious to find out that I'd just missed Jack Sparrow. Sexy Will took me below deck, prospects of getting it on looked good. Didn't go so well, I gave him back his medallion after all these years, expecting him to snog me senseless. Instead he went mad. Never saw that coming. Ran away screaming. Icky undead pirates came aboard, so not good for my complexion. Was just fighting one off when Jack Sparrow comes along and tries to undress me. Of all possible times! Will was hiding from Jack when we were made captives of _Black Pearl_. Ship blew up, was devastated but thought at least I still had Jack. Will lived, what's more, he was all sexy and wet again. Day ended up with me stranded on an island in nothing but my undergarments and Jack Sparrow to keep me company. Can see advantages there…

_Hair status:_ Tussled, Jack's gonna find it hard resisting me.

_Imperfections:_ Cleansed by the sea but…think I'm developing a spot!

**Day 9**

Came up with super spiffy idea to make a pretty beacon with the rum found on island, Jack clung to my legs crying as I threw the last bottle onto the fire. I'm a little worried about him. Norrington came along in his big boat (showing off again), had to say I would marry him if he saved Will for me. It was the hardest thing I'd ever said in my life, barfed when no one was looking. Went back to Isla de Muerta, got shoved into room before I could tell anyone the pirates can't be killed. Oh well, it's their loss. Realised I'd left a hair pin at the cave so escaped to get it back, it was a very nice pin. Saved Will's life and Will lifted the curse. Didn't find that damn hair pin though.

_Hair status:_ Awful, looking forward to a good perm and hair pin.

_Imperfections:_ Spot getting bigger…

**Day 16**

Jack was meant to be hanged today. Felt rather sorry for him. Would much rather keep him as a pet. Will appeared in super fluffy hat, wanted to stroke it. Said he fancied me loads, and I thought I was going to faint. In the end I just pretended to as Will freed Jack, boy did they look sexy together. Will proclaimed his undying love for Jack and thought I'd better get in there for a threesome. Jack copped out at the last minute, I'll get him back though.

_Hair status:_ Permed and hair pins in place, at last.

_Imperfections:_ None, I've never been so happy, or pretty.

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I am so sorry that it's been so long since I've done an update on this fanfiction, but Elizabeth is such a damn hard character for me to write. I've been working on this thing for months! Fingers crossed for a quicker update next.

But a big thankyou to all of those who have reviewed this fanfiction, I shall now endevour to reply to each of yours:

**Cal** - I absolutely love your long, analytical reviews, they are so much fun! I could write an essay to reply fully to you :P  
**Miya Sparrow** - Jack wants hugs because I want to hug him, nuff said.  
**Cornishxxxpixie** - So glad to have converted you :P  
**Miina Sparrow **- I have to say, to even be compared to the v. secret LOTR diaries is an honour, they just rock my socks!  
**Midnight Ballad** - Now _there's_ an idea, I hadn't thought to do Jack the monkey's diary, yes, I shall do that one, don't let me forget it!  
And all those who I haven't replied to, thanks loads!


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